Saturday, January 31, 2015

My resolve has slipped...

I know I've written more about my migraines than my AMN, but I am used to my horrible affliction, and the migraines come and go. The stupid headaches are my Achilles heel, the great flattener of my life. I've had 2 puking migraines this week and for the 2 days after, I've been so sore and miserable. It seems like it's taking my body longer and longer after each headache to recover, and having 2 nasty ones in a row has been hell.

So, as the title of the post suggests, I've unfortunately let myself think that I wish I was normal and healthy. I get told frequently that I have a great attitude about life in the face of my health problems, and I almost always do. I have my weaknesses, and this week I've gone over that tipping point and gone to the dark side. What if I didn't have AMN, depression, or migraines? What if I could run and jump and skip and ride a bike? What if I didn't have chronic pain and get tired easily? What is life without migraine like? I've never known what a normal life is like. I don't say that for pity, it's just a fact of my life. I don't know why God has chosen me to carry certain burdens; it's not mine to wonder why. Tis mine yet to do or die, I guess. I don't have a death wish, so on and on I go, stiff, sore, and sometimes grouchy. So please understand, I'm only human.

My body image has drastically changed in the past few years also. I'm no longer a size 2, I no longer have an hourglass figure. Because of the pump, my measurements are 35", 35", 35". I don't have to unbutton my jeans to pull them off; in fact, I have to pull them up when I stand up. I gravitate towards clothes that have a distinct waistline, then I have to remember that I don't have a distinct waistline myself. Ohhh... It used to be like a punch in the gut, but now it just makes me sigh...

My Bayard is truly a blessing to me. He accepts me as I am, health problems, sons, and all. I am lucky. I am loved.

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