Ramble on...

Dictionary.com defines "scare" as:
scare [ skair ]

verb (used with object) [scared, scar·ing.]
1. to fill, especially suddenly, with fear or terror; frighten; alarm.
verb (used without object) [scared, scar·ing.]
1. to become frightened: That horse scares easily.
noun
1. a sudden fright or alarm, especially with little or no reason ⬅(not always so!)

I must admit to really liking Urban Dictionary's 2nd definition of "fear," which are acronyms:

fuck
everything
and
run

Another acronym of fear is:
false
evidence
appearing
real

Why do I bring this up? Because, along with other unpleasant emotions I've been feeling lately, I've realized that part of the problem is that I'm afraid about my future. The downside of having a rare disease - and each clinical case is different - is that there's no roadmap to follow, no definitive guide to show me how my AMN is going to progress. My balance is worse lately, like over the past month. I've been walking into things, feeling like a billiard ball, bouncing from wall to wall to table, counter, etc. I always touch something along my way, as I find my cane bulky in our small apartment.

I've had a couple of medication changes over the past two months: from Tramadol to Oxycontin, and Methadone to Morphine. The Morphine we think is what's making my balance so bad. So I've gotten a referral to physical therapy, to see if working on my legs and my gait will help with my balance. Ugh.

There's nothing like watching my body slowly die. Or face a deep well of loneliness, inky black and it physically hurts my chest. Who wants to be with someone who can hardly walk, who can't go hiking, ride a bicycle, dance? I can't even drink alcohol because of the morphine. I get in a rut when I'm tired and feeling achy, where I think about what I used to do, the jobs I've had where I got to do things 99.9% of the population will never be able to do - like work with professional athletes (never again!!), skiers, skaters, and soccer players. And I've been all over the old Mile High Stadium, standing in the middle of the visitors locker room, once accidentally seeing a little too much of our goalie, but I wasn't spotted, so I backed out quietly and took the elevator to the press box level to get my radio. Oops! Wrong day to forget new procedures!

Oh, I ramble on. Probably a good thing, lets me forget about how I'm feeling. I went through hell in the sports world. Add a chaotic personal year and I had my fill. 1996 was the first year of the Rapids Major League Soccer Team. I started with them in February, after having left the sports agency because I didn't get along with one of the agents. (Napoleonic Complex.) I was made to stay late, planning and perfecting our marketing plan, pre-game parties, and for no other reason than the GM was the boss and what he said we did, or face the firing squad. My boyfriend at the time was extremely jealous that I was in the sports world and he wasn't, and he couldn't stand being by himself. So in December, I left for good. From that point on, chaos reigned. 💧💦

In February '97, I had a mole removed that turned out "abnormal." So I had to go back in and get a chunk removed from my upper arm, that was in April. Oh, I need to stop and explain that the first GM was fired for incompetency, and my boss, the Director of Marketing, left to go work for his dad, a sports agent. Okay, so in May, I was called for jury duty and immediately picked for a trial. Civil trial, a man sued the Rocky Mtn News, and we found in his favor. Anyway, in the middle of the trial, my adopted dad Caldwell died. His funeral was on a Saturday, so I didn't miss any trial time. Then a month after that, my Uncle Bill, who had AMN, committed suicide. Two weeks after that, my best friend got married. A month after that, my Uncle Scott was diagnosed with AMN himself. He would later die in February 2001, at the age of 39. Then in October, the Rapids won the Western Conference Championship. Mr. Anschutz announced that the entire front office would go to Washington DC to watch the game. Well, the night before we were to leave, Denver got 18" of snow and continued through game day. I wasn't going anywhere. And I got SO pissed! After we all got back to work, I walked into my boss' office and quit. I'd had enough. No mas para mi. We talked for two hours and I decided to go back to school. That's a story for another day.

I'm tired and hungry, so I'm going to go now. Bye-bye for now!